Am I a Perfectionist?
Photo by Agnieszka Boeske on Unsplash
what is perfectionism?
The words ‘perfectionism’ and ‘perfectionist’ have been thrown around on social media quite a bit recently, but what exactly do they mean? Simply put, perfectionism is the tendency to strive for flawlessness or perfection, in the company of a very loud and strong inner critic that provides overly critical self-evaluations and presumptions of how others are perceiving you.
Catherine, what the heck does that mean? Basically, it’s being preoccupied with how others perceive you and believing that avoiding negative experiences begins with being and performing perfectly. This can show up in a variety of ways depending on the person - focused on appearance, performance, morals, etc.
common signs of perfectionism
Perfectionism can look vastly different from person to person - none of us are cookie-cutter! - but there are multiple themes that show up across the board regarding the impact of perfectionistic tendencies and behaviors. I’ve included a graphic you can use to follow along and I’ll explain each of them in more detail below:
Perfectionism Cycle
Striving for absolute perfection will keep us stuck in the same place - overwhelmed, lacking confidence, and disappointed in ourselves.
All-or-nothing thinking
People who engage in perfectionistic thinking tend to fall into what’s called all-or-nothing, or black-and-white thinking. This is one of the areas that demonstrates the difference between high achievers and perfectionistic people - high achievers, while they have high expectations and strive to do well, they typically view success as a spectrum. For a perfectionist, all-or-nothing thinking would feed into perfectionism by making the perception of success and failure very rigid — you’re either perfect (successful) or you’ve failed.
Unrealistic standards/expectations
Another major theme in perfectionism is the engagement with unrealistic standards and expectations for the self. I have to get a 4.0 GPA. I have to look x, y, z way to be attractive. I have to be perfect all the time. These are simplified, yet common examples of thoughts clients with perfectionistic tendencies have expressed and internalized. Oftentimes, these expectations/standards are placed on themselves but projected onto other people to further this cycle. An example of this is someone with perfectionistic tendencies interprets someone’s tone of voice, body language, or facial expression as disappointment because of their own disappointment in their performance or appearance.
Controlled by fear
Perfectionistic people are often afraid of negative feedback because it hits on what I call ‘sore spots’ - these sore spots are a person’s insecurities and perceived weaknesses. When receiving criticism or seemingly negative feedback, someone with perfectionism experiences this as a major blow to their ego, self-esteem, and self-worth. So naturally, like with a lot of us, these individuals are afraid of their sore spots being hit. In other words - Be perfect so I don’t receive criticism.
“The fear of criticism is at the bottom of the destruction of most ideas which never reach the planning and action stage.”
~ Napoleon Hill
Photo by Daria Nepriakhina 🇺🇦 on Unsplash
Highly critical thoughts
As I mentioned in the previous point, perfectionism is driven by fear of criticism and the emotional and mental sore spots that are impacted. The harsh reality of this - perfectionism comes with a strong, loud, unrelenting inner critic that knows every single insecurity you have. While these are more obviously impacted by the commentary of others, your inner critic is instilling fear in you every minute of the day. What does this mean? Perfectionistic people are doing everything they can to avoid criticism, yet they are their toughest critic!
Being results-focused
Many of us have heard of the difference between being results-focused and process-focused - if you haven’t, a results-focused mindset is focused primarily on the outcome of something (grades, promotion, awards, etc.), while a process-focused mindset is more focused on the journey along the way. Now, if we’re results-focused, we’re more likely to fall into that all-or-nothing thinking discussed earlier and makes us more susceptible to facing the emotional and mental repercussions.
Fear of failure
Similar to being controlled by fear, perfectionists are afraid of failure. Think about it - anything besides perfection is failure, you have a very loud inner critic, and you project your insecurities onto other people as more criticism… of course you’re going to be afraid of failure! Anything less than perfection or flawlessness is deemed failure, so perfectionists face failure more than anyone else, yet it’s what they fear the most.
Procrastination
Piecing together all of these signs, it’s very common for perfectionists to fall into the cycle of procrastination. Regardless of capability, understanding, skill, and/or experience, if we have an extremely small margin of error - i.e. only perfection is acceptable - it feels emotionally and mentally safer to put off the task as much as possible. I can’t fail if I don’t do it. However, this doesn’t keep that inner critic away. Instead of criticizing your work or performance, it criticizes your procrastination and has a similar impact.
internalization of unmet goals
We’ve been discussing the process perfectionism utilizes, but haven’t gotten into the nitty gritty of how it impacts our self-esteem, self-worth, and all that important stuff! A lot of us set goals for ourself - big, small, short-term, and long-term - and perfectionists are no different. BUT, when these goals, standards, and expectations are not met in the eyes of the perfectionistic inner critic, we internalize this as a failure. This means it directly and negatively impacts our self-esteem and self-worth, and can lead to other mental health challenges, including anxiety, depression, addictions, and eating disorders. The ‘failure’ is internalized to be who the person is, rather than an experience they had. Here are some examples: I’m a failure. I’m a bad friend/spouse/person. I suck at everything. This further contributes to low self-esteem and self-worth, and can impact how we move about the world and tasks in the future.
Defensiveness
Think about something you’re not very good at, whatever that may be. Now, imagine someone leaning over your shoulder, criticizing everything you’re doing as you’re trying your best… sounds extremely annoying and frustrating, huh? That’s what perfectionism feels like - it’s a never-ending stream of criticism. With this in mind, it can be natural for someone experiencing this to become defensive in the face of criticism, even if it’s meant to be helpful feedback.
Conclusion
This is not to say that if you experience one of the above, you’re automatically a perfectionist - it’s the accumulation of behaviors, beliefs, and the impact of those on a person’s daily life and mental health. Wanting to do well or get better at something is a natural desire, and can be an incredibly helpful tool; however, we want to keep in mind that your output is not a measure of your self-worth or value as a person - what your inner critic tells you is based in fear and is not inherently factual.
“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels the primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”
As always, I’d like to be clear that this blog post is intended for educational purposes only, and is not intended to replace professional counseling or clinical advice. If you’re in need of support, please consider speaking to a professional to be evaluated.
You are also welcome to contact me to see if I might be able to support you as you journey forward!
~ Catherine
