What Causes Perfectionism?

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Defining Perfectionism

Simply put, perfectionism is the desire to appear, feel, and behave perfectly, even at the expense of personal limitations, boundaries, and mental health. This can show up in a variety of aspects in your life, but the most common I’ve seen in clients I’ve worked pertains to education, work, and relationships. “If I don’t get all As, I must not be trying hard enough”, “I’ll be whoever my partner wants me to be because they make me happy”, etc. For more details about what perfectionism is, check out ‘Am I a Perfectionist?’.

what perfectionism isn’t

Perfectionism is not the same as being motivated to do well at something or pushing yourself to improve. The difference? Perfectionism tends to be internalized in this way - anything less than perfect is a failure, and if I ‘fail’, I’m a failure. It’s connected to a person’s self-perception, self-worth, and beliefs about the self. On the contrary, being motivated or wanting to improve can be present without these harmful implications - there can be a balance of acknowledging where weaknesses are and having a learning-oriented mindset (I didn’t do as well as I would’ve liked, but I can learn from this and do better next time).

so what causes perfectionism?

Now to the reason you’re here - what causes perfectionism? Why do some people experience perfectionistic tendencies and thoughts, while others don’t? There’s no specific cause of perfectionism, but there are common themes among those who experience it:

Fear of Judgement or disapproval

The common underlying theme I’ve found in research and experience with my clients is the fear of judgement or disapproval from others. For a lot of people, this starts with their childhood. It could be parents who have unrealistically high expectations, hearing other people around you who are perfectionistic, or cultural or societal expectations.

Through our early developmental years, our brains are naturally driven to avoid consequences, or behaviors that result in consequences. I get in trouble with my parents when I ______, so I won’t do _____. This mindset gradually shifts to be more value or belief driven as we get older; however, for those who grew up feeling the pressure of high expectations, no matter where they came from, struggle with the fear of social consequences. This can be feeling fearful that having a different opinion will result in criticism, punishment, or abandonment by those they care about. It can also show up when building relationships - basing your personality with different people on their personality. For example, I reference this as ‘shapeshifting’ in sessions with clients - you may behave completely differently with each person in your life, often shifting your values, beliefs, opinions, and interests to match the person in front of you.

Education

I want to preface this by saying I’m not blaming schools or teachers for perfectionistic thinking; however, the educational system can place a large emphasis on outcomes rather than the learning process, leaving teachers and instructors stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Think back to when you were in school (I know, I don’t want to either, but bear with me!) - there may have been a strong emphasis on standardized test scores (SOLs, SATs, ACTs, etc.), grades, and college acceptance. The message we - at least, I got from this? It doesn’t matter what it takes as long as you get the A. I personally never had a teacher or professor say this directly; although, some may have experienced this, unfortunately.

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Self-esteem challenges

People who live with a more negative self-perception and self-esteem challenges are naturally more susceptible to perfectionistic thinking and vice versa. Why? Because more often than not, people with self-esteem challenges already believe they’re not good enough, don’t have what it takes to succeed, etc. and will likely avoid engaging in activities or relationships they feel they won’t be perfect in. The perfectionistic thoughts fuel the negative self-esteem and the lack of attempts will indirectly support the narrative they already live by. In being fearful of proving their thoughts are correct, they don’t give themselves the opportunity to prove them wrong either, and if they do and they’re not good at said activity immediately, it’s internalized as proof they’re not good enough.

Need for control

For a lot of people, the need for control plays a huge rule in perfectionistic tendencies. Being perfect is predictable, as well as the result of being perfect - the absence of negative consequences. Therefore, you can control how you present yourself to get the desired outcome in any situation. The problem? That innate desire for control will continue to strengthen its grasp and continue to push the end goal farther away, making it an ever-moving target.

Achievement-focused mindset

As mentioned in a previous section, having an achievement-focused mindset can become a cyclical experience with perfectionism. Shooting for perfection inherently builds on the foundation of being achievement-focused - the process to get there is irrelevant as long as we get the A, the promotion, the relationship, etc. But this can lead to a strong internalization of both achievements and failures, shifting a person’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem based solely on outcomes, rather than the process. Living this way, can be harmful in that there’s always a need for a tangible goal and there’s typically difficulty with relaxation or what I call “same shit, different day”.

Other mental health challenges

There are a variety of mental health challenges/conditions that can make someone more susceptible to perfectionistic thinking. Some of these include, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, eating disorders, etc. Typically, mental health diagnoses or experiences that involve the desire for control or is appearance focused will come with varying levels of perfectionistic tendencies and beliefs. I’ll also include what has recently been referred to me as ‘high achievers’, while not a mental health diagnosis, it is rooted in similar thought patterns and beliefs as perfectionism.

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Conclusion

While there is no specific cause of perfectionism, there are common themes amongst people who experience it to determine contributing factors. Perfectionism, while it is often praised, it’s important to consider how it impacts your mental health and other areas of your life. If it’s occurring in one area, it’s likely to gradually shift into others as well.

As always, I’d like to be clear that this blog post is intended for educational purposes only, and is not intended to replace professional counseling or clinical advice. If you’re in need of support or this post resonates with you, consider speaking to a professional for added support.

If you are a Virginia resident, you are also welcome to contact me to see if I might be able to support you as you journey forward!

~ Catherine