What Causes People-Pleasing?
Did you know that based on research, about 49% of Americans self-identify as people-pleasers? Literally HALF of the United States population! Why is people-pleasing so rampant in this country? What even causes people-pleasing? Strap in - these burning questions are about to get answered!
Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash
What the heck is it?
To start, let’s briefly recap on what people-pleasing is: pushing aside your personal boundaries, needs, wants, beliefs, values, etc. for the sake of others’, to avoid ‘rocking the boat’, or to make them happy, even at the expense of your own happiness. If you’re curious and would like a more in-depth answer to this question, feel free to check out my post dedicated to explaining what people-pleasing is!
Why do i do this?
Now here’s the big question many self-identifying people-pleasers find themselves asking - why? Many clients of mine have said similar things: “I know it hurts me and isn’t in my best interest, but I don’t know why I do it”.
I hear you - I can empathize with how frustrating and hopeless it can feel to try to change something when you don’t even know why you do it in the first place, but hopefully we can start to change that for you!
I want to preface with there being a variety of potential reasons for people-pleasing behaviors, all of which are dependent on your personal and unique experiences. I encourage you to explore these further with a mental health professional if you have the resources to do so, and if you don’t, take some time to reflect and journal through what comes up for you - you deserve it!
Fear of rejection
For a lot of people, the thought of being rejected is terrifying! Not being liked, invited to something, or hearing “I think we should see other people” feel like the end of the world. Granted, yes, they wholeheartedly suck regardless, but for people-pleasers, this is something they want to avoid at all costs! They may become the ‘yes man/woman’, agreeing with others despite their personal beliefs, and following the friend group despite discomfort with the chosen activity. This fear of rejection, often coined as rejection sensitivity, can tends to stem from painful experiences or relationships that create fear of not being liked. Maybe one of your parents catered to others at the expense of their own time and energy level, trying to cater to everyone and make everyone happy, even if it meant they were exhausted and stretched too thin to enjoy themselves.
Cultural norms
In multiple cultures, it’s normal to fall into these behaviors, especially in a lot of collectivist cultures or those focused on providing for others. It’s important to note that identifying with or growing up in these cultures does not inherently mean you’re a people-pleaser, but you can be more susceptible to falling into these patterns. Current societal expectations in the United States also contribute to these patterns, as it’s expected to always be available for work and live a certain way, regardless of how you personally want to operate. This can lead to challenges with stress, anxiety, feeling less than or behind, etc., which can result in trying to adhere to the status quo and abandoning personal interests, preferences, and values.
Conflict avoidance
I spend a lot of time with clients breaking down their experience with conflict. Why? People-pleasers are often avoiding actual or perceived conflicts by, well, pleasing people! If I just follow what they’re doing or saying, maybe it’ll keep the peace. Sound familiar? How about this one: I hope they like me. I don’t want to say or do anything stupid. I don’t want to make them angry or make things awkward… Conflict is something everyone can have a different perception of and your individual perception of conflict can alter how you respond to the potential of conflict arising. What’s your perception of conflict? What are your experiences with it? These answers can give you some insight as to how the underlying purpose of your people-pleasing behaviors.
Emotional security
People-pleasing gives you a semblance of control in your life, even if it’s to your detriment. The situation is more predictable, which can help you feel emotionally prepared and secure in the relationship dynamic because you already know what will happen. For many, it feels safer to abandon your own needs for the sake of keeping other people happy because then they are less likely to leave you. But what does this do for you? It keeps you stuck in the same experiences, across relationships, withholding the possibility of having your needs met.
challenges with personal identity
I’ve come across a variety of people-pleasers in my personal and professional lives who struggle with their personal identity. They’ve spent most of their lives morphing into whoever other people wanted them to be. Think about this: how would you describe yourself when you’re with family? Your best friend? Meeting someone new? Work? Obviously there’s going to be certain things you change because of the scenario - you probably shouldn’t tell your boss to shut up when they tell you exciting news… just a thought! But jokes aside, are your values, preferences, beliefs, and personality consistent across social situations? If not, it’s something to take note of because you may be hiding certain parts of yourself for the sake of pleasing those around you.
“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”
Lao Tzu
Photo by Carson Arias on Unsplash
- Important notes -
Trauma:
Traumatic experiences can instill fear of not pleasing others due to the potential repercussions. This is to be considered separately from people-pleasing tendencies, and I would highly recommend seeing a mental health professional to work through this with as much support as possible.
Stress & Anxiety:
Similar with trauma, stress and anxiety can also instill fear and activate the central nervous system, which is responsible for your fight-or-flight response. For some, this can cause people-pleasing, and for others it is because of people-pleasing behaviors. It can be helpful to reflect on your specific cycle and meet with a mental health professional to work through this with support. For some at-home ideas, check out a few options in this post.
Conclusion
As mentioned earlier, people-pleasing, just like any other behavioral pattern, is going to be dependent on your personal and unique experiences - you may lean more into certain behaviors than others, or find yourself experiencing people-pleasing on a more emotional than behavioral level. Regardless of your personal experience, I’d encourage you to seek support from a mental health professional as you journey through changing these patterns, as all blog posts are written for educational purposes only and should not be utilized as a replacement for mental health treatment.
For those who live in Virginia, you are also welcome to contact me to see if I might be able to support you as you journey forward!
~ Catherine
