How Perfectionism is Holding You Back
While there can be positive effects of perfectionism, there’s one thing you’ve probably noticed - you sometimes struggle with beginning a project or task until you absolutely have to start it. Then, because you’ve pushed it off for so long, you don’t do as well as you hoped. Why does this happen? This post sets out to answer how your perfectionism is holding you back and a few tips to free yourself from the perfectionism cycle!
Photo by Flash Dantz on Unsplash
Basics of Perfectionism
Perfectionism boiled down is basically wanting everything you do, say, and work on to be absolutely, well, perfect. Now think about it - is it really realistic to think and operate with the intention of perfection? No, probably not! But for many, this is how they operate in their daily lives. I go into greater detail in another blog post if you’d like to learn more.
But how does this hold me back?
We’ve already established striving for perfection is unrealistic and more often than not, unattainable. What does ‘perfect’ look like? It’s entirely subjective in most facets of life, so there’s no such thing as an ‘absolute perfect’. Yet, it’s engrained in you to reach for it - you just have to work harder in order to do better. Sound familiar?
In some cases, yes, “practice makes perfect” can be applied - think back to when you were learning your multiplication tables in school and you had to do them over and over and over and over and over again. You eventually got them down (don’t worry, I won’t ask you to do that now!). But the majority of our lives don’t take place in objective truths - they’re spent in entirely subjective, grey area.
As for the question at hand - how does this hold you back? Here’s an example I hear from clients almost daily:
Procrastination is a continuous cycle and you could be at any point in it and find yourself overwhelmed - overwhelmed with your lack of confidence, the amount of work in front of you, the innate need to be perfect, literally any of it. When our bodies and minds are overwhelmed, it triggers our central nervous system, which is responsible for our fight-or-flight response.
If your fight-or-flight response is triggered by perfectionism, it’s likely for one of three things to happen:
Freeze: you become so overwhelmed that you mentally and/or physically freeze. It can feel like you’re paralyzed - unable to concentrate, can’t get yourself to ‘just do the thing’, and you feel trapped in this abyss of overwhelm.
Flight: you may notice yourself feeling drawn to literally anything but the task at hand - you subconsciously know there’s a huge task in front of you, but you end up doing a bunch of little, unrelated tasks to avoid starting the one that becomes the elephant in the room.
Fight: you white-knuckle through the task as fast as you possibly can so you can just get it done, typically sacrificing quality and passion in the process.
With both the freeze and flight responses, it’s pretty clear how they can hold you back - you’re literally not doing the task! As for the fight response, yes, you’re doing the task, but at what cost? The quality is likely not going to be something you feel good about, you’re more likely to make careless mistakes, and it won’t have the ‘wow’ factor you want - all of which will feed into the perfectionism cycle further. You’re going to feel shame, guilt, low self-confidence, and you’re going to question yourself even more the next time a task comes up, leading to further procrastination and facing the same challenges again.
How do i break this cycle?
In simple terms, you let go of wanting to be perfect! Obviously, if it were that easy, you wouldn’t be here right now, but that is the foundation of what can help you break the cycle.
First, I’d suggest reflecting on why you strive for perfection - admiration? People-pleasing? Confidence boost? Whatever it is for you, there’s something driving the perfectionism that subconsciously outweighs the impact it has on you. The reward is currently outweighing the drawbacks, but it’s providing something you feel you’re lacking, making it feel necessary.
Second, and bear with me on this one, practice making mistakes. For many, the fear of failure is present regardless of the reasoning for the perfectionism. This means exposing yourself gradually to making mistakes will help you recognize that the outcome your perfectionism is showing you is not likely to happen. With my clients, I use the analogy of when you were a child and were afraid of the monster under the bed or in the closet - the longer we avoid it, the bigger, scarier, and more threatening it feels. That is, until we build the courage to look under the bed or in the closet to find that there wasn’t a monster there at all - it was your own mind creating a narrative based in fear. This is not to say that your fears are fiction or that you should intentionally do poorly on an important project, but it is important to take the time to question the narrative and expose yourself to making mistakes so that the fear you hold gradually lessens. Some examples could be practicing compassion when you do make a mistake or intentionally doing something that insignificant poorly (painting, dancing, drawing, etc.) and don’t correct anything in the process.
Thirdly, once you’ve established your perfectionism’s ‘why’ and the narrative it tells you, practice focusing on the process rather than the outcome. This doesn’t mean outcomes aren’t important, but the process plays a larger role than you’re currently giving it credit for. Think about the last time you genuinely enjoyed working on a project - for work or for leisure. You likely allowed your passion, personality, genuine enjoyment of what you were doing to come through! It wasn’t all about the result, but in focusing on the process and enjoying the journey, you’re likely to provide work that is quality and something you’re proud of, rather than half-assed and causing you to question yourself.
Lastly, give yourself credit! Even if the outcome isn’t what you were hoping for, you still put forth the effort and I’d just to assume there were still aspects of it that you did well. Give yourself that credit - highlight what you did well and ways you can improve with the intention of learning rather than shaming yourself. As humans, we naturally learn from receiving a mixture of constructive criticism and positive feedback, as it helps you identify what you can improve and what you’re already doing well. Approaching it this way can help you feel more confident, even when receiving constructive criticism.
Photo by Desola Lanre-Ologun on Unsplash
Conclusion
A great deal of people around the world experience perfectionistic thoughts and tendencies to varying levels of impact. It can make you hesitant to approach a project, or even avoid it altogether. But, just because this is how you’ve operated thus far, doesn’t mean you’re stuck with it - with some self-reflection and pushing yourself, you can break the perfectionism cycle and live a life that is more learning- and process-focused.
As always, I’d like to be clear that this blog post is intended for educational purposes only, and is not intended to replace professional counseling or clinical advice. If you’re in need of support, please consider speaking to a mental health professional.
If you are located in Virginia, you are also welcome to contact me to see if I might be able to support you as you journey forward!
~ Catherine
