As of January 2023, about 56% of women and 42% of men identify as people-pleasers, but what is people-pleasing? How does it impact our mental health? In this post, we’re going to discuss exactly that! I’ll explain what people-pleasing is and the positive and negative impacts these tendencies can have on our lives.

Okay, So what’s people-pleasing?

As the name says, people-pleasing is doing and saying things that others will like; however, as nice as that sounds, it tends to come at a price. Doing something nice for someone isn’t people-pleasing, but saying yes to that extra work your boss asked you to do even though you don’t have the time or bandwidth to do it - that is most definitely people-pleasing. The difference? When we use the phrase “people-pleasing”, we’re referring to tendencies that often abandon our own needs, opinions, preferences, and/or boundaries.

In the example given, we might be drowning in work already and struggling to get tasks done, but we say yes to the optional addition anyway! Why do we do this? On the outside, it might sound obvious to say no, but for someone who's a people-pleaser, it’s not that simple.

what does people-pleasing look like?

While this can look different from person to person, there are some common themes that serve as the underlying reason for people-pleasing behaviors. Some of the common behaviors I hear from clients include:

• Doing or saying anything that feels necessary to avoid conflict

• Agreeing to things you don’t want to do

• Struggle to sit with the idea of someone being mad at you

• Neglecting your own needs or expressing yourself to help others feel comfortable or tend to their needs

• Actively trying to make everyone like you, even if it means pretending to be someone you’re not

• Easily giving in to peer pressure and abandoning your boundaries

• Have difficulty saying ‘no’

• Taking on the problems and emotions of others

The underlying reason for these? Avoiding conflict because conflict is scary or intimidating, playing what I reference as the “peacemaker”, and trying to keep everyone else happy so there’s no tension or discomfort. People who utilize people-pleasing behaviors often have experienced dysfunctional relationships (romantic, platonic, or familial), grew up in an emotionally unsafe or unpredictable environment, and/or often had their needs or boundaries disregarded or pushed aside for the sake of others’. To put it more plainly - it’s a defense mechanism. “There can’t be tension or discomfort in relationships if I mold myself to be whoever they want me to be”, “they won’t leave the relationship if I change myself to fit their idea of who I should be”, etc.

Is people-pleasing really a bad thing?

Big picture - absolutely yes, people-pleasing can be harmful, especially long-term. Moment to moment, it may feel like a positive thing because you’re getting the validation or reassurance from others that you’re a good person, a hard worker, a great friend/partner, or whatever else it might be. BUT, at the cost of your own comfort, personal needs, being heard, the opportunity to be your most authentic self, and continuing to feel like your best isn’t enough for those around you to truly love and value you.

This can lead to increases in anxiety, depression, perfectionistic tendencies, unattainable standards for yourself, a decreased sense of self or identity, and overall feelings of disconnect from the people in your life - you feel like no one knows the real you because you put on a tailored facade for every person in your life.

I work with my clients to identify how these behaviors serve them, and trace it back to events from their past to heal their inner child. In doing this, we honor the emotional experience - both past and present - and work on building self-esteem, identifying their needs, and establishing boundaries. Over time, we practice enforcing these with those closest to them and accepting who they really are so they can be their true selves with the ones they love!

Conclusion

Long story short, people-pleasing can feel like a helpful thing, but it can contribute to a variety of mental health challenges, like anxiety, depression, perfectionism, and low self-esteem. If you are a people-pleaser or think you might be, you’re not alone! There’s help out there for you - you can and you deserve to feel comfortable and confident in who you are! Reach out to a mental health professional in your area for more personalized support.

As always, I’d like to be clear that this blog post is intended for educational purposes only, and is not intended to replace professional counseling or clinical advice. If you’re in need of support, please consider speaking to a professional to be evaluated.

You are also welcome to contact me to see if I might be able to support you as you journey forward.

~ Catherine